Tuesday, September 29, 2009


This is the word that describes him best. We got to 36 weeks and he has passed all his "late pre-term" tests with flying colors.

Sept. 26, 2009? Happiest day of my life.

Here is our 6-pound, 19-inch bundle of joy:

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

by Sunday

"I predict you'll have this baby by Sunday." These are the words of my ob/gyn, folks.

The bleeding? Cervix. Got confirmation by ultrasound that baby is still active, there is lots of fluid and nothing unholy is bleeding.

Speaking of the cervix, it's still 3cm dilated and now 85% effaced.

What about the lungs? "Baby will be fine. Maybe some time in the NICU, but baby will be fine." says the doc to the anxious mom.

How big is baby? Six pounds give or take 15%. My math says that's a range from just over 5 pounds to just under 7. Guess that's not bad for 35 weeks and 3 days...

I've heard twice now that the birth will be fast and easy...(insert your bad high school joke here). I was tempted to ask if there was a guarantee on that claim.

To sum it all up, baby's ready but mommy's not...guess I see now who's running this show.

Monday, September 21, 2009

cocktail, anyone?

The hormonal cocktail, that is. Combined with a side of too-much-Google pie. Why did I go to the March of D.imes site and read abut increased developmental issues for babies born between 35 and 37 weeks? Why was I trucking up the stairs just hours before my Thursday appt. thinking, "I am a fit pregnant gal. Look at me go!" Ah, hubris.

Luckily, contractions have hardly been an issue. KNOCK WOOD!!! However, my achy pelvis and my ever-lower belly are telling me that baby has hit the down button on the elevator and now I am starting to worry that my water will break.

I know, I know-baby will probably be fine and many are born a lot earlier. I'm just hoping he is listening when his mommy tells him how good he's got it: his own private pool and personal buffet? That is luxury, sonny boy.

Friday, September 18, 2009

A very bloody show

So yesterday a gal walks into a doctor's office....Hmmm, I never was really good at jokes. Maybe I should start at the beginning. Last Friday I called the nurses b/c there was ever so slight a streak of pink mixed with the regular mucus when I wiped. (TMI, but you are probably used to that, dear reader.) Nice nurse said, "might be your mucus plug starting to work its way out. Keep an eye on it and let us know if anything changes." And that was it. Or so I thought. It seemed to have stopped.

At my regular appointment yesterday, the doc took a swab for the strep test and since she had noticed my call to the nurses in my patient notes, she asked about it. I played it down (doctor that I am not), but she said, "let's just take a look."

Survey says? Three centimeters dilated. Um. hold up. Record scratch. Whaaaaat???? She told me on the one hand that some women walk around for weeks at 3 cm dilation, but that I should stay home from work today and that no, I could not go away this weekend as we had planned. Obviously, the more time baby stays in my womb, the better off he'll be.

I drive straight home like a good doobie. Walk up the stairs. Go to the bathroom. You know. Routine stuff. Until my routine suddenly changes. Blood in my undies. Heavy period flow. Also something that looks like a dark red slug on the tp. I call my doctor. Only I call the wrong one, b/c I have been calling my PCP for the past few weeks asking if the mercury-free flu shots are in yet (got one). Call the right number but realize it's after 5 and they will have to page the person on call and I will have to wait, bleeding on the bathroom floor. This movie-esque image combined with my oh-so-creative mind that had me convinced my placenta had ruptured were just too much for me. Did I mention I was home alone? Did I mention blood is not something I enjoy finding in my underpants? Did I mention I have not had any contractions and this really does not seem to be the correct order of events? So, I called 911. By then I had regained some semblance of calm an called my Sweetie, too.

How does this story end? Hopefully with a lot more time in the oven for the wee one. They monitored baby's heart rate and my contractions (I did start to have some in the ambulance ride), checked my cervix again (same), made sure the bleeding subsided. I am now on bed rest for at least a week and should call if contractions are consistently 10 minutes apart (rather than the usual 5 minutes).

It felt good to write that all down. Now I can let go of some of it and just rest.

Friday, September 4, 2009


September is here and we are back at school. One final hurrah of summer this weekend as we celebrate a friend's wedding in Maine.

I do not have too much to report. My family threw me a lovely shower last weekend and it now looks like Santa Claus, at the end of his route, decided to dump off the remaining contents of his sleigh in our living room. Family and friends, thank you.

I do not weigh myself anymore. The one doctor I do not particularly love at our practice (and I'm sure will be the one on call when I go into labor) asked me if I drink a lot of fruit juice or eat a lot of ice cream. I felt like a fat kid being reprimanded. Then he went on to say a lot of tall woman gain 40-45 pounds and then lose it relatively easily. So my question is, "Why be a jerk and ask stupid questions, then?" I am not letting it bother me, not getting on the scale anymore and politely refusing to answer when rude people inquire how much weight I have gained. I am happy to report that tons of people who have not seen me all summer are commenting that I look great, am all baby, am only pregnant from the front, yadda yadda. There are just too many of them saying this to allow me chalk it up to the "they are just being nice" category.

I go from excited to nervous, but mostly excited about this baby's arrival. Still very much enjoying being pregnant and trying to relish it. Relish is less cliché than pickles, I figure.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Still here. The losses in our community threw me for a loop–my spirit was saddened and my mind was reflective.

Just spending my time trying to stay cool and watching a lot of belly dancing...

Thursday, July 30, 2009

liquids and cramps

All is well. No time to write about it (leaving for a week long vacation), but had some cramping this week. Bottom line: remember these two things: 1. Your uterus is constantly expanding and 2. Yes, staying hydrated is VERRYYY important. Even when you think you are hydrating, you probably need more water.

Passed my glucose test and the anticipation of drinking the awful orange liquid was worse than the deed itself. It tasted like an unfrozen freezer pop or a really concentrated sports drink.

Serenity and two lines to all,

Saturday, July 25, 2009

time does fly

Just like I never know whether to look at the week I have just completed or the one I am about to start when reading those "how your baby is developing week to week" sites, I don't know if my third trimester starts today or next Saturday. I have decided that it starts today: there are 13 weeks left (give or take a few weeks, days, what have you, depending on baby's grand entrance plan).

Looking back at the first two trimesters, here's what I have to say: the first one seemed to last somewhere between a year and a lifetime. From the two week wait to feeling like every cramp or bowel twinge was a miscarriage to the bleeding episodes, I exaggerate not: a year to a lifetime.

It didn't feel like that much of a milestone to hit the second trimester b/c of the impending amniocentesis and subsequent 2ww for results (dear cruel universe, I already HAD one of these, thank you). I do remember thinking that 20 weeks was pretty amazing, both for the ring of "half way" and b/c I had long ago read a woman's blog entry* about an involuntary gas episode as she walked around T.arget. I looked up to her like young girls admire the makeup-wearing, boy discussing teenagers. Wow-20 weeks. She is soooo cool. Reaching 24 weeks (i.e.: if your baby is born now, hospitals are required to do all they can to ensure its survival) was not as exciting for me as it is for some women. A fifty/fifty chance of survival still sounded awfully scary.

However, I will say that the second trimester FLEW by. Really. I don't know how I'm here. My baby boy is due in 3 months. October 24th. My mom and I spent a week organizing, making room, purging or storing unnecessary treasures and setting up a crib. I am reading the baby books. We are signed up for breastfeeding class, childbirth class and infant CPR class. I had a regular OB/GYN appt. yesterday and my belly has grown 2 inches in a month. This just might be hitting me.

*sorry-can't remember who wrote it.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Nervous Nellie Syndrome

Or...how to get an extra ultrasound.

1. Ask doctor if it's normal to feel baby experience what seems like small seizures. [Seriously-what is he doing in there?]

2. Cry when admitting to not taking meds she had prescribed for you.

3. Still have an irritated cervix and funny ph levels.

VoilĂ : you get an extra ultrasound!!

Doc says she was pretty sure everything was fine, but wants to make sure (read: she wants me to see for myself) and that the m.etro gel is safe to take, especially as a gel (as opposed to pill) and especially after first trimester. Ok-I will take it, I tell her. Thankful that she doesn't seem to judge me and convinced I can't be the most annoying patient at the practice, I drive down the street to the ultrasound joint. Explain to technician and then doctor why I am here:

"Well, I was leaking and seem to have an infection and irritated cervix."
"You know, they can test the discharge to see if it's amniotic fluid."

Ensue ph level explanation, everything is basic, therefore they can't be 100% positive explanation.

Followed by ultrasound revealing happy cervix, lots of amiotic fluid and real live (and so big and smooshed in there!!!) baby.
Funniest part? At one point, the tech. couldn't see the cervix as well as she would have liked. She said the doc. might want to use a vaginal probe. She asked, with a dulcet "this might be difficult" tone: "Have you ever had a vaginal ultrasound?" I laughed out loud. Have I ever, indeed!

So, the way I see this? I had just experienced more than 7 weeks of peace, calm and (practically) no worrying! My body had to stir the pot a bit.

*As it turns out, so is everything else in my life: my v.agina is to liquid as my car is to transmission fluid and my stove is to gas. At least those last two have been fixed, and I think I am ok, too. My guess? Infection + (probably) pee+ sweat=wet undies.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I'm not a doctor...

...but I play one in my own life. I took one dose of that M.etro Gel stuff yesterday, even after reading the packet insert about how pregnant women should only take it if necessary. Today, after doing more research, I decided that was going to be my first and last dose. I am just not comfortable putting baby at risk. I know, I know: infection=bad. I am going to go back to yeast infection cream, since that was what I was told to do over the weekend, but my use of the cream was incomplete and a little sporadic. Usually they look at the gunk to identify it as yeast, but this is presenting in an atypical manner. Don't worry-I am going back on Friday and I will be honest about what I have done/haven't done. I will also call immediately if anything funky happens.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Still basic

Still basic, but they don't think it's amniotic fluid. Apparently, I have some sort of infection so they gave me a prescription for a gel to treat bacterial vaginosis, even though they aren't sure if that's what I have... Ugh-I hate to put chemicals in my body on what feels like a whim, but apparently infections are bad for women (duh) and worse for pregnant gals. I'll go back on Friday for more tests and samples. Thanks for your kind words of encouragement.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Yah, right

According to the American Pregnancy Association, by the 26th week* "If you have been watching your weight throughout your pregnancy and have been sticking to a balanced diet, your weight gain should be between 16 and 22 pounds."

Watching my weight while pregnant? Um...ok, whatever....that sounds like 'dieting' to me, which is an obvious no-no. Yah, and the balanced diet? Well, actually, it's much more balanced than it ever was before...I was more of a bird-like eater, to be honest (and did I mention I used to be a vegetarian?). Now every night I go through what I have eaten to see what baby is lacking. 3 veggies, two servings of fruit...enough calcium? Tonight I found myself eating leftover taco meat b/c I hadn't had enough protein. I wasn't hungry, just eating for baby. Remind me not to go back to this site!

*I'm at week 25, but I was looking ahead...and technically, I'm now IN my 26th week. And my weight gain? Thirty pounds, people. Too bad I can't blame it on all the vitamin C.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Urine, sweat and tears

Off and on since Saturday, I have found my underpants to be damp. Curious. Was it urine? Sweat? Amniotic fluid? After freaking out for a few hours, the next day it seemed to be better. Until yesterday. SO, today my doc took some...ahem...discharge samples. She whisked them away and then sent a nurse in who asked for a urine sample. Curious. That got my wheels spinning.

The upshot? The samples didn't -look- like amniotic fluid, but on the ph scale of basic to acidic, they were very basic. Guess what is also basic? Yup-amniotic fluid. But-that's why she asked for the urine sample. Urine is supposed to be acidic. Guess what mine is? Yup-basic. So now I am on a mega cocktail of vitamin c, have to monitor volume with panty liners (felt a little silly buying those with an obvious bump), must try to keep my bladder empty (um-right-I'll try to use the bathroom more than I already do) and go back on Monday.

So-sorry if this was TMI, but I always am so grateful for all things I learn about by reading other gals' blogs as well as advice from y'all. I'll update on Monday and in the meantime I'll be stuffing my face with oranges, extra supplements and cranberry juice.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

It's my pregnancy...

...and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to...

Oy-it's laughable how much I cry. Yes, that's exactly what I meant to write.

When I was watching the movie UP? Usually, I would have had a lump in my throat or maybe shed a few silent tears at the sad moments. Being pregnant? It was like there was some primal beast within and I I tried to keep it in, but ended up wailing. This thing just had a mind of its own. It happened in the middle and I did my best to stifle, but at the end it happened AGAIN, only this time it was followed by uncontrollable laughter b/c I simply could not believe I was crying over this sweet little movie.

Today? Well, admittedly, I have had a frustrating morning (just your usual can't find what I am looking for, people are not calling me back, blah blah) and then? I noticed a droopy leaf on my snake plant. When I touched it, it detached itself from the soil and lay there in my hands. Upon close inspection, several other leaves did the same. I was talking to my sister at the time and said " I have to go-I just killed my plant." Luckily, I got off before the wailing started. I over watered it. First with the pitcher and now with my own tears. What's left of it is sitting outside, and I'm hoping it will dry up (fat chance with all the rain we have been having). I know there's no use hoping I will dry up any time...

Pregnancy is a wild and wacky thing...

Friday, June 26, 2009

kick it

1. First there were flutters. (The pop rocks turned out to be, I'm guessing, ligament pains...even though they happened when I was sitting rather than moving.)

2. Then there were more distinct flutters (not the "I think that was baby" flutters...)

3. After that it was the little kicks.

4. Then there were kicks that I could sometimes feel from both sides of the belly.

5. Followed by other people being able to touch my belly and feel kicks too.

6. Next were the "what is baby doing in there?" movements. (Including, but not limited to using my pelvic floor as a trampoline, a rolling loch ness monster sort of move, the I'm here...no, here move and possibly a few head butts.)

7. Then I started to feel all these movements higher up on my belly. Yup, that uterus is growin'.

8. What I really never expected? To be able to see these movements. Through my clothes. Including a layer of sweat pants and thick t-shirt. Wow.

Can't wait to see/feel what's next.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

surprise letter

I received a "please register" letter from the hospital today and it was addressed to "Dear Mother-to-be." I burst into tears. They mean ME!

I don't think I'll ever be emotionally stable again.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Things on my mind

Things I am angry about:

So, I remember after our first IVF cycle, the hardest bit for me was not knowing if this was ever going to work. After many cycles of the old fashioned way, or old fashioned plus drugs, this was the last stop on the track. While I didn't mind investing the time, the money, or the needles, I just hated knowing that none of that was a guarantee, that nobody could tell me " just do all this and you'll have a baby..." That still upsets me. So many people struggle to get pregnant and for all their suffering, the stork should have delivered 3 babies by now. Life just isn't fair, I know, but as far as western medicine has come, it doesn't seem far enough.

Things I understand better:

I always got annoyed by the moms who could go from blogging about their hopes, fears, worries and latest follicle count to "Look-I'm picking out my baby's sheets. Which ones do you like? Take a vote." Sorry if you are one of those moms, but hold on a second. Even as a kid, I could never really be honest in my diary, because I always felt the presence of the undefined reader. To me, these blog entries were heartless to the rest of the IVF community. Who cares about something so silly? While I still don't see myself as the "post a pic of my crib sheets" kind of gal, I see now that these are decisions that need to be made. Baby needs a lot of crap, and it doesn't just show up, fully assembled at your doorstep. Furthermore, you may think you are a no-nonsense "white is practical and just fine for sheets" person until you suddenly find yourself in Pottery B.arn Kids drooling over the stupid elephant sheets* (or whatever). I get it.

Things that annoy (and please) me:

I started going to a prenatal yoga class last week. It's so good to be doing yoga again. So why is this in my annoyed category? I started to look around the room and compare. I have watched my beloved collarbone disappear, my thin arms take on the shape of ham hocks and have started to feel my inner thighs rub together in a way I haven't felt since my pre-pubescent chubbiness in 6th grade. Yes, maybe if I had been exercising I would not feel like this, but what with the IVF, the bleeding and the amnio, my doctors had me on a strict anti-exercise regimen. I know, I know, these women of whom I am in awe probably have their own complaints about their changing bodies and in all fairness, being almost 6 feet tall does help me considerably. Also, let me make it clear that I am happy to deal with all of this and more if it means a healthy baby, it's just hard to escape almost 36 years of stupid societal crap and body image issues. The changes I do like? Watching my belly grow, watching the part above my belly button catch up with the part below, catching a glimpse of my profile in a store window, especially on a windy day. And feeling the baby move.

Things I thought I had under control:

I have started to have "something is wrong" dreams. Last week it was a long involved scenario where my regular doctor noticed red bumps on my breasts and had to consult with another doctor, only I got so hungry waiting that I had to sneak out of the hospital to find food (go ahead-laugh) and when I tried to sneak back up the fire escape, the access was blocked. Last night, I dreamt that I was bleeding again and woke with something that tasted an awful lot like fear and only went away with a glass of orange juice and a trip to the bathroom (opposite order, of course). I thought I was doing pretty well banishing fear to the far corners of my brain, but apparently that is also the waiting room for anxiety dreams.

Things I appreciate:

Other women sharing their own truths. It is so helpful to see I am not a freak of nature because of x, y or z (we're talking bodily functions, fears, and just real life stuff). So, on this day before my half way mark, I have shared this information with the "uber cyber welt" as a confession and also as a way of keeping myself honest and real. One last confession? I have gained 20 pounds. Ok, actually 21, but I am rounding down. I guess baby didn't get the memo that the pound a week weight gain happens during the -second- 20 weeks. And just to clarify? I am not a junk food person! I am super healthy...with the exception of ice cream and brownies. Ok. Done. No more confessions today.

*I put them back. That store is dangerous. Cute and expensive.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


We had our ultrasound and everything was normal. Of course we are so paranoid that during the long silence when she was measuring the heart, we both got nervous...but all for naught, as our baby boy is movin' and groovin' and has all his pieces parts. When she measured his femur, she said, "he's going to be a tall one." Makes sense. His parents are pretty high off the ground. In more ways than one, today. Now-gulp-I don't go in for another 4 weeks. I don't know what I'll do with myself-so long...and no more ultrasounds until the very end. "But I'm an addict!" I wanted to shout. Probably not a good idea in an OB/GYN office.

Sunday, May 24, 2009


I'm used to the weird dreams by now, although they aren't as frequent as they were in the first trimester. Last night's vision really takes the cake. I went to my u/s appt. and found out the baby's head was on backwards. Can we say ultrasound anxiety? Very stressful and upsetting during the dream, but downright funny when I woke up. We have seen that the baby's head is, in fact, facing the right way in numerous ultrasounds...Tuesday's u/s appt. just needs to get here. Happy Memorial Day to all.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I hadn't heard from my doctor's office and the amnio was OVER TWO WEEKS ago. Of course I called, tried to use my patient voice on the answering machine, and a nurse called back to say everything was NORMAL!!! Yippeeee!

So now I can just go back to worrying about the stabbing pain I keep having on my left side (different from the lighter flutterings). The nurse last week gave me the following scenarios: nerve pain or gas and to call back if anything changed. I was thinking ligament pain (but it happens when I'm sitting), or baby kicking my really still very large IVF ovaries...what do I know? Anybody out there have this?

About to go soak up some sunshine and keep smiling from ear to ear.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Pop Rocks

Butterflies? Hardly. Remember the pop rock candy from our youth? It feels like I have pop rocks in my abdomen, folks. Especially noticeable after a glass of chocolate milk-baby's first sugar rush. I'm loving it.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


First of all, the universe is unfair in so many ways. Dear sweet Kate received some heartbreaking news today: Kate.

Please be sure to send her some love. She has been so good to all of us and so deserving of something completely different than what she got today.

Literally as I was reading of her awful news, I got the good news phone call from the nurse on the preliminary results. It's anticlimatic when a blogosphere friend is in so much pain.

I'm just going to take a little break from blogging in order to allow myself to reflect and give in to whatever my body needs/takes from me. I will check up on all of you, and I'm hoping for healing and eventual happiness for all of you.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Amnio day

The amnio went fine. I was a little nervous, but really just more interested in getting it over with. Now comes the next triple-tiered waiting period: A) 24-72 hours is when most post-amnio miscarriages occur B) 24-48 hours for the preliminary results C) 10-14 business days for the definitive results.

Oh-and we found out the sex. When comparing notes later, the Mr. and I both thought we saw something while the tech. was going through the series of angles and measurements, and then she asked if we wanted to know the sex. Instead of telling us, she tried to get a between the legs shot, but baby was flipping around. She said, "Come on, peanut, you were just flashing us a minute ago." Which is how we guessed and then got the confirmation when the between the leg view finally showed up on the screen, that we are having a boy. Fingers crossed that it's a healthy one.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Uncontrollable and a book recommendation

Other than a major emotional outburst, a horrible call from my ob/gyn appt. scheduler and a missed opportunity to see the Dal.ai L.ama, I seem to be doing fine.

The outburst was one I have come to recognize. It's the familiar feel of throat tightening and the threat of tears, while some part of my rational self is saying "I can't believe I am crying over something so stupid." And yet, I can NOT make it stop. The most recent one was at work. In front of other people. Oh well. I'm sure it won't be the last.

The scheduler's phone call was a real doozy. Why don't people think before they speak? She said, "I see you have an amnio scheduled for 15 weeks, two days. That may be too early, and the membrane may not yet be fused properly. Do you want to risk it or do you want to reschedule for the following week?" My mind is racing. "Do I want to RISK it? What do you think, you less than human creature of evil?" Hmmm...thinking logically and with my research in my back pocket I ask, "Won't they look at the membrane with an ultrasound before doing an amnio? What do you mean by RISK it?" Her response: "Well, some people can't get off work easily, and I just figured I'd ask." Ahh-so the "risk" was in reference to having to reschedule the amnio. I told her I would think about it, talk to my partner, talk to my doctor and talk to my amnio veteran girlfriends and get back to her, and in the future, maybe she should choose her words more carefully. Ok-actually, I just said "I'll call you back tomorrow," hung up the phone and burst into tears (big surprise, I know). I'm keeping my appt. for Monday.

I don't even want to write about the last thing I mentioned. Suffice it to say, it has ben drilled into my head since the day of the transfer to avoid overheating my oven. I was told no hot showers, no car seat warmers, call immediately if you have a fever. So, while I'm not worried about dying from the piggy flu (stole this name from one of my friends), I don't feel the need to expose myself to illness in the form of hanging out with thousands of people, however low the risk. After all, we are dealing with low risk numbers all the time and still obsessively freak out about them!

If you are still reading, I would like to say how lovely it is to tell your girlfriends you are pregnant and immediately belong to a club, receive advice, and be treated like a queen. My sister booked me a pregnancy massage and one friend whom I just told yesterday gave me a book off her shelf that I adore: _The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy_. It has me laughing out loud and feeling like all my abnormalities are normal. At least until the next fear or insecurity sneaks up on me.

Monday, April 27, 2009

split personality

At work I wear clothes that hide my bump. On the weekends, I show it off (or at least don’t really care about what I am wearing).

Sometimes I rub my growing belly and talk to baby. Other times I realize I am not bonding, not wanting to get too attached in case I get bad results from the amnio.

When some people ask “What’s new?” I stumble around to find something else worth discusing. When my mom asks about how I am feeling I have to smile and say ”fine,” since I am not telling her about the amnio (she had one and miscarried).

I am more concerned about miscarrying than about the results (duh-I just read that again. Who wouldn't be?) I am not doubting that I want to have it done. After all, right now my odds of a having a baby with abnormalities is higher than having a miscarriage.

Poppy sent me some great info. about how IVFers have higher rates of showing screening abnormalties, but then no real problems (ie-we have more false positives), so I keep holding on to what my gut is telling me-that this baby is fine. But until I know for sure, I don’t feel like telling anyone else...I’m not getting up on to any rooftops any time soon. That would probably be a bad idea for a pregnant woman anyway.

Best line of the weekend? MIL saying “This just came on so suddenly!” Yeah, right.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I'm not fat...

My favorite joke as a kid was: "Ewe's not fat, ewe's just fluffy." (I really like sheep, and grew up with two as pets...) Well, I am officially no longer looking just fat, but...yup-you guessed it-pregnant. I'm talking not just from the side, but from the front-Venus of Willendorf style. Ok, my bbs are not THAT big, nor are my hips, but you get the idea. I had to go buy some skirts yesterday, since the elastic band on my unbuttoned pants approach is getting more and more uncomfortable, and there I was in the dressing room mirror...with a pregnant paunch.

A little over a week until the amnio. Oh, and did I tell you I found out the results can take up to two weeks??? Really? Really!!!! Apparently they can give you a snapshot (their word, not mine) of what's going on after 5 days...anyone have any experience with this? Does it give false negatives? Positive falses? (I just made that one up, but you know what I mean.)

Happy Spring, everyone. Wishing fragrant flowers and new life for all my sisters.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

expunge mode

I am going to write this so that I will stop thinking about it, stop worrying about it and realize that this is what I asked for. I got the results from my first chromosomal screening today. I went from a 1/280 chance (based on my age) to a 1/50 chance after the blood test. Our options are CVS ( where they take a sample of the placenta) which I would need to do tomorrow and has a 1/100 chance of miscarriage; amniocentesis which I would need to wait another 2 weeks to do and has a 1/300 chance of miscarriage; or just do nothing basically (wait and maybe see something really wrong on an ultrasound in 3 weeks, but with no definite answer unless it were really obvious). Well, after crying for the thousandth time and after consulting with the Sweetie, we decided the CVS was too scary (especially given the miscarriage rate and the worry that my placenta has been doing all the bleeding). So, we are going to do the amnio...hoped it wouldn't come to this, but here we are.

This puts us in that odd position of not wanting to tell anyone yet-which I am fine with-but baby seems to want to make him/herself known to the world and is getting harder to hide. Any advice is welcome. I'll be in the kitchen eating some NY Super Fudge Chunk....breathing and spooning deeply.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

All the leaves are green...

...and the blood is brown. Or even non-existent. It happened yesterday, it it was the best gift a woman completing her 13th week of pregnancy could receive. Lucky 13. To celebrate all things brown, I had a chocolate chip bagel for breakfast. Here's hoping for another 27 weeks in the clear.

Bravado Bras at Nurtured Family Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

Friday, April 17, 2009

Bloody woods

SO, while waiting for my doctor to call back (she never did), I started to really bleed. Right through my knickers. I bawled. I decided not to go to the ER, but did promise that I would take Thursday off and show up at the OB/GYN practice at dawn and demand some answers.

-I went to acupuncture.
-I bawled.
-I calmed down.
-I called the emergency line at the practice just to make sure they
agreed with my decision.
-I talked to some of my female gal pals who have been down this

The next day, they let me right in and I had a lovely ob/gyn who calmed me down and had a really good explanation for how the placenta can dig in looking for a blood vessel and then detach, thus causing bleeding. She was very relaxed, which, in retrospect is exactly what I needed. I was indeed in a happy place. I should have been more suspicious when she said (without batting an eyelash or asking if I had done IVF) my ovaries were big but that's "normal with pregnancy." Everyone else says "Whoah...big ovaries."

That aftenoon, my actual OB/GYN called me and was a little more gloom and doom. Not in a negative mean way, but in a way that I needed to hear. Her message was:

-This is serious, you need to take it really easy and let the placenta heal if that’s what it is. (again-nobody knows......)
-No, you can’t do yoga (not that I have been, but I just asked...I miss it so much)
-If this goes on into the 16th week, you will be considered high risk and could have an early delivery.

I am now on the "hear the heartbeat once a week" schedule (this is for my peace of mind, not theirs), and if I am STILL bleeding this Tuesday, I will ask about bedrest. For now, I am back to a trickle.

So, almost out of my first trimester but not out of the woods. Any experience with this, anyone?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Not feeling it

This amazing wave of eloquence came over me last night and I had reached an understanding about why I am so upset right now and can't be happy. I promptly fell asleep and forgot all about it until I read Kate's latest post:Kate.

My problem is, I don't feel pregnant. Yes, I have nausea, yes, I eat every two hours. But it hasn't hit me. I haven't allowed myself to believe it. The few minutes when I actually think it could be true is when I see that little image on the u/s machine and when I check...yes, that wand is on MY belly, not someone else's. It's not smoke and mirrors....or is it?

Then I quickly go back to not believing. It's not logical, but hello? It has taken me and so many of you reading this SOOO F-KING long to get here, that I just expect it to be taken away in (literally) a heartbeat. When I see blood (at 6 weeks, at 11 weeks and now the last 5 days), I think: "See? It's all over." How am I supposed to not panic and worry and think that this is the end? 

I put a call in to my ob/gyn and she is going to call me back this afternoon. I can't even see through my tears right now, but hopefully the doctor will give me some answers. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

It's a baby

There's a baby in me. Sounds silly, but it loses its reality until I see the ultrasound, then it is real again (briefly) and then I will start to wonder once more. Is it true? There really is a baby in there?

All was fine. Baby is measuring at 12 weeks 4 days (that's one day ahead!). The technician seemed to be really excited about the nasal bone. "Babies with Down Syndrome don't have one," she said. I'll have to look that one up-feeling dubious. To us, it just looked like baby had a really huge schnauze.

I have to say, it's all feeling a little anti-climatic. Why? Because I don't look pregnant (just fat), I am STILL bleeding and tired of  no answers for why. "Could be a myriad of things," they all say. That's not an acceptable answer to me. It still freaks me out every time. Does anyone have some advice on these feelings?

Ok. Let's find a better place. I am happy the baby is healthy. I am grateful to have three days left in this trimester. I am lucky to have health care. Thank you, universe.

Sunday, April 12, 2009


This is a post in progress (read: I made a link to the nyt, but can't seem to link to other blogs), but I wanted to have something besides my pity-party post from last night. 

I will be nominating shortly, but I first want to say how grateful I am for everyone's comments and support. Knowing I'm not alone gives me so much strength. First, thanks to K for nominating me. It meant a lot (I mean a lot) to me. Go give her a hug-she's in beta limbo-land. http://invitro-veritas.blogspot.com/ 

Saturday, April 11, 2009


They say bad things happen in threes. Glad I got mine all out of the way in just a few short hours.

1. I had been enjoying my first nausea free week in a while until this morning. Didn't feel like doing much but lying on the sofa.

2. While lying on said sofa, my friend calls to tell me her daughter (whom I had just seen two days ago) has fifth disease. Consult Dr. G.oogle, mom, tissues and conclude that I will request that they add another blood test to my litany on Tuesday.

3. Getting ready to go out with Mr. Grade A's parents to tell them  the good news and I start bleeding. And hyperventilating. And crying. Again. 

I am doing better now, his parents were thrilled and understood why I "wasn't feeling well" and wasn't at dinner, and I am down to barely a trickle (on all bodily fluids), but I can't help but wonder when I will be allowed to enjoy this pregnancy rather than fear its imminent demise. Oh yeah-happy week 12.  Tomorrow is day one of lucky 13. One more week...

Monday, April 6, 2009

All is well

All is well, but I still have to tell my harrowing tale. I woke up to more spotting, but not as much. I waited to see how the morning progressed. At 11:00, it was still there, so I called the nurses' line at my OB/GYN practice to very calmly explain to the voice recorder what was happening. ( I really was calm. I was relatively OK at this point.) I expected them to call back and say "this happens, keep an eye on it, blah blah blah." SO, when they called back and said to come in for an internal exam and ultrasound....yup, I started to get scared. In fact, at one point I had to find the rational part of my brain in order to calm myself down, because between the buckets of rain and my equally diluvian tears, neither one of us was going to make it to the hospital in one piece. Why does my brain always go to the worst case scenario? In horrible detail? 

When she first put the wand on my belly, I experienced a few hour-long seconds where I just saw a fetus floating at the bottom of my uterus. Not moving. I think the doc pushed or prodded, and then I saw hands (yes, Virginia, they aren't just buds anymore) flail and feet kick! All is well in womb-land. We heard the heartbeat again, and I understood in that moment why women rent doppler devices-but I have decided this would be a bad idea for me, basically b/c I would, um...obsess! Cause for bleeding? A low placenta, but not quite placenta previa.

What I have learned: I didn't realize that when you got off the IF roller coaster that they strap you down to the tilt-a whirl...or maybe it's the music express. Nausea and dizziness and being scared? All can be yours for the cost of admission. 
See full size image

Sunday, April 5, 2009


Sigh. Just when I was starting to feel happy, less stressed and maybe even thinking that this pregnancy might work...I start to bleed. Ok-spot. But it was red. Not a lot. But really...any blood is too much for a woman who is pregnant and wants to be. It was enough to bring me down from my cloud, make me cry a little and do way too much consulting with Dr. Google. Luckily, it seems to have subsided. I can't even call my trusty nurse at the RE's office...sniff. I was not ready to cut that cord.

 I made myself feel better with a little help from Isabella Rossellini and her web series called "Green P.orno" on the sundancechannel. It's all about bugs and sea creatures and their copulation practices. Check it out.

Goodnight and good vibes to all the pregnant women out there with doubts and worries.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Do you hear what I hear?

Well, probably not, but I heard the lovely sound of a heartbeat coming from my very own belly! I met my ob/gyn for the first time and loved her...she said everything looked and felt great. Yippee.

So now we move on to...you guessed it: the next thing to worry about. Honestly, I wonder if this pattern will ever change: reach new milestone, freak out about the next one.  The series of genetic testing is my current demon.  Not knowing if the baby is ok is making me not want to tell people I am pregnant. I know babies and children and adults with down's syndrome are wonderful people, trust me. I volunteered at a camp for folks with all kinds of disabilities for 8 years. This is why I know how great they are and how unable I am to care for a downie (our affectionate name for people with down's syndrome). Call me a bad person, but I know my limits. Besides, this is a place for me to be honest, so there you have it. 

Ok-I can't do anything but wait on this one and gosh, I am getting good at that.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Where's the rhyme and reason?

So, I squirted in my last tube of crinone yesterday. Looking around at other gals' blogs intrigues me. Protocols are so vastly different. I'm not just talking about lupron and stim meds. It makes sense to me that those would vary based on response, medical conditions, etc. I'm referring to the 'once you are pregnant' protocol. Some continue with both estrogen and progesterone. Some do progesterone every other day (which I would not be able to keep straight), some go until week 12. My clinic had me stop estrace as soon as I had a positive beta and continue crinone until week 10. It makes me think that nobody really has the answers out there in (in)fertilitylandia.

On a different note, still hanging in there with naps and mild nausea. Like a kinesophobic living on the San Andreas fault, with every little twinge or cramp, I think, "Oh no, it's the big one. The big m/c..." Then it goes away and I go back to whatever I was doing. Which is probably eating...already gained my 5 pounds and still have three weeks left in the trimester...oops.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

(no) Pomp and (no) Circumstance

There wasn't too much pomp and circumstance, really. Just a mother crying tears of joy on the ultrasound table...that was me! It actually looked like a baby this time. Well, I mean when the technician pointed out the arm and leg buds, we didn't have to completely use our imagination. So now we have graduated to an ob/gyn. Another milestone. Truly, I am amazed and humbled.

While we were waiting for the anticlimatic meeting with the RE, a group from an IVF class shuffled in looking hopeful and nervous. I wanted to say, "Look, it can work!" but I refrained. I know it doesn't always work, and I know that I had spiteful feelings toward pregnant women just a few short months ago. (Kate, you're a saint for not having those feelings.)

So... all this eating is definitely catching up with me. The problem is, I don't look pregnant yet, just fat. I am perfectly ok with this, don't get me wrong. However, buying spring clothes today for my upcoming trip to California was problematic. I finally found some cute and stretchy pieces at the G.ap Outlet...too bad horizontal stripes are in, though.

Next week I will be thinking of all of you, but in an unplugged sort of way while on vacation. Sending good vibes to each and every one.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Feed me, Seymour

My body’s new trick is that each day it requires more food than the previous one. Ok, that may be a slight exageration, but it is my perceived reality. It’s a strange beast, this hunger. Come to think of it, have you ever seen the weight watchers commercial in which they personify hunger as a furry beast who is always popping up to tempt or cajole its victims into eating? (See above.) Yes, well, that beast lives inside me. Try to ignore it and it strikes back with lightheadedness, dizziness and overall malaise. Ask me about how I decided to keep vacuuming rather than stop and eat. By the time I tried to whip up some guacamole, my hands were so shaky I ended up with ceramic shards and green goop all over the kitchen.

These hunger pangs come out of nowhere and also can shut down my stomach without warning. The hunger? Irregular. Maybe every three hours, maybe after an hour and half since my last feeding. And my favorite? My internal monster has now decided it needs midnight feedings, too. So I get up to pee, and get back into bed witha  box of crackers. Speaking of crackers, sometimes they are a great snack and sometimes they are like throwing stones into an abyss. My monster says “get some cheese on those things or you’re in trouble.” And thtat leaves us with the “Stop. NO more” reaction. You would think I would be able to finish a bowl of cereal in the morning, but there are always two bites that I can not even bare to look at. 

Not complaining. Just fascinated, really.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Things I have learned so far...

1. Pain on one side can be ectopic or it can be due to the fact that your ovaries are still HUGE and/or you have an ovary-sized cyst on one of them that everyone concurs is normal with fertility drugs. 

2. Spottting can be fine or bad. Best to go to the ER and know for sure. My spotting is back, but it is now brown. This is supposed to be better than red, but it still freaks me out. Better to call the nurse, which is what I will be doing as soon as their office opens.

3. Sperm counts can be increased. The first two counts were around 16 million. After taking vitamins, and decreasing alcohol consumption, it went up to 25 million. After continuing with vitamins, reduced alcohol and adding pycnogenol (not even that much-just a 25 mg pill from Tr.ader Joe's), the count was 42 million. 

Thought I would share. Hope you are all in a calm, positive place and if you have any extra calm positive vibes to throw my way, I'll put them to good use.

p.s.-I really found comfort from this wonderful IVFer: 

Monday, March 2, 2009

Another milestone

After a slight identity mix up (they signed me in as a woman with a similar first name and same last name), I was on the table ready to expose myself. The belly part was fine and I wasn't even too sad when they couldn't hear the heartbeat. When it came to the vg-wand, however: watch out, people, I had an inexperienced driver. I don't think he realized the tunnel is only so wide!! Luckily, the other dr. took over and we did see that cute little flicker on the screen. 118 beats per minute. 6 weeks, two days or 6.3 in math world...baby is measuring at 6.o, but heck, I was a late bloomer, so I'm not surprised. Wishing all you fellow (there should be a less male equivalent of that word) bloggers peace and happiness. (No, I didn't take any illegal drugs.)

Saturday, February 28, 2009


No. Not the show. Spent 6 hours there last night after bleeding and cramping on one side started. Finally left at almost midnight and had to drive around looking for dinner. Thank goodness for college towns and their late night pizza joints. I digress. I have no energy to write about it, other than to say they did see the sac in the correct place (phew) along with ovaries that are still so huge they're touching and the bleeding eventually stopped. However, I am trying not to freak out about the beta number the nurse casually dropped: "22 hundred something". UM...2200? I was too out of it last night, but isn't that low for 27 (almost 28) days past egg retrieval? I didn't see it written, she just relayed this to me verbally. Maybe she left off a zero?  I called the ER and left a message with someone to see if they could give me that number again.  Any info. would be greatly appreciated. I'm going back to sleep.

UPDATE: She WAS missing a zero! Someone in the ER just called me back and my HCG # was 22,984. I'm doing the happy dance. Damn this roller coaster.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Secretary-ian Violence

First, thanks to Kate and Sarah for your helpful comments about the crinone. I have found that frequent time with a warm washcloth helps. 

After my second beta, the nurse I love and almost cherish told me that the secretary would call later that day to schedule our first u/s appt. Ugh. the secretary who never calls, has made me cry and is the reason for this post's title. So, call me crazy, but when I hadn't heard from her, I called her the next day and said, in my sweetest voice, "Um, hi. I need to schedule an u/s appt." Her response? "You can't just schedule an appt. when you want, that is decided by your doctor." See what I mean? Who responds that way? That's right: the evil secretary. Like it would ever occur to me to just call my doctor's office: "Hi, yes, I would like to schedule an appendectomy. I have just decided I don't want this pesky appendix any more." I took a deep breath and responded that I HAD spoken to the nurse, and she informed me that there was no order on record. I called nurse nice for help and waited. Waited until evil secretary called back at 4:50 on Friday to tell me when my appt. was, saying they were booked solid for next week and that they scheduled me for the FOLLOWING week at the most inconvenient time possible for me and DH. Nice. Inconvenience and extra wait time. Just what every IF girl loves (but at least is used to). 

Friday, February 20, 2009


I remember the days when I thought  I could get pregnant with some timing and good old-fashioned whoopie. I remember the days when I thought I would never be going for ultrasounds clutching the red folder of the IVF patients. I remember the days when I told myself I would not freak out and worry about every little step once I got pregnant. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong! Second beta was fine: 830.  The cramps continue to screw with my head...I sometimes feel like they mistakenly trasnferred a baby tiger and it’s ripping my uterus apart. Oh, and then I make myself a ham sandwich and decide to “remind” myself which foods are off limits (it has been soooo long since I first looked at that in 2005) Yah, so...spit  out the ham when I saw “listeria” pop up. Then there are the nightmares about getting my period, and finally today I had a morning of complete freakout when my poor tender girly parts started to bleed when the crinone didn’t go in so smoothly (think dry and irritated: perfect enironment for tearing something. In fact, a week ago, those lady parts were so red and angry, the outer labia started to bleed too). SO...I have spent the morning pulling down my underpants. I was pretty sure I had just hit an inner wall with the crinone torpedo...but WHAT IF???!!!!! Damn my imagination. Damn my racing heart, damn being on the verge of tears. It’s only been 3 days (less, even) and I am officially in the “can’t take a deep breath until the kid has graduated” category.  Yes, the blood spicket has turned off. Now if only I can figure out where the brain spicket is located; I need to get out my adjustable wrench out for that one.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

to quote my niece, OMG

beta: 427
tears of joy
thanks for all your good wishes

Monday, February 16, 2009

another day

So first of all, I don't know why I wrote in my last post that I am testing on Monday. It's Tuesday--I must be on drugs. Oh wait, that's right, I AM on drugs. Second, the cramps came back with a vengeance on Saturday night and intermittently yesterday. So we all know what that means...nothing. Either it's good news or the hormones are cramping (chuckle) AF's style. 

This weekend, we ended up doing some really fun (and positively distracting) day trips. So...err...I'm going to go look busy now.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

warning: downer post

Bb's feel less sore, the cramps I once hated are now gone...at least I knew something was happening down there when I had them. (There is no pleasing me, folks.) Feeling sad. Test on Monday. Weekend trip was cancelled for reasons beyond our control. Going to get in the car and see where we end up, my job for the day will be to keep the tears at bay. Happy F-ing V day. 

Just burst into tears to Mr. Huevito, telling him I don't feel pregnant. "Who knows she's 8 days pregnant?" was his response. Right, right. Ok. I will just try not to think about it. I was happy that his hug surprisingly hurt my chest...how messed up is that?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

desperately seeking positive

I am desperately seeking positive thoughts right now. Let's look at the pros and cons of my current condition:

Pros: I had heartburn for the first time in my life last night. Symptom or just too much meatloaf? The sore bb's are nothing new. I always have those after ovulating. The cramps are freaking me out...I really can't associate them with anything good, although I know they aren't necessarily bad. I am pretty sure my other symptoms are just psychosomatic.

Cons: Last night I read that peppermint tea and flax seed oil are on the no-no list for pregnancy. Hello? How was I supposed to know this? Guess what I have been consuming EVERY day. Yup. I have already cut out cold food, all caffeine (except a little chocolate...a girl's gotta live), most sugar (see previous confession about chocolate), alcohol, dairy (acupuncturist), peas and tofu (Julia Indichova). Ok, deep breath. It's not like I've been consuming arsenic milkshakes...

So, I asked my Sweetie to fill our days with distractions (read, movies) and he said, "Are you getting worried?" Yes. I am just feeling negative to neutral with fewer and fewer "this could be it" moments. I'm not hopeless, but you know: a hundred times burned....In better news, I did get permission to go in for the beta test a day early. 

Monday, February 9, 2009

Symptom follies (pun intended)

I am officially diagnosing myself as symptom obsessed (meats) meets symptom dismissive. Hah-so funny that I accidentally wrote "meats" since my first symptom is that I seem to be eating for everyone in my entire state. 2: Mild cramping (which actually always freaks me out) and 3: peeing more than I am used to.  Then today I experienced something scary which of course I googled: heart p.alpitations. Turns out they can be a symptom. Oy vey. I'm going crazy, I tell you.  I realize (b/c it has happened sooooo many times before) that this could all turn out to mean nothing. So, in case I forgot to mention it, I am going crazy and you are invited to laugh out loud at me. I need to bring myself back to the relatively sane.

On a different note, I need some advice on this one: I have two friends coming to stay with me on my testing day. I am thinking of asking permission to go a day sooner in order to have more time to process the news and put on a happy face, albeit an ersatz one. My clinic is one of those cruel 18 days after retrieval joints, so it shouldn't make that much of a difference, right? 

One last thing: thank you so much for your comments. They really help me feel that I am not alone here. Good luck to all of you.

Friday, February 6, 2009

It's baaaaaack!

My neurosis is back. Have any of you while on the 2ww NOT wanted your blood test day to arrive? See? I told you–I am officially neurotic again. You deserve an explanation, gentle reader. Go back to high school for a moment. Did you ever think you had mono but didn't want to get tested and know for sure? I'm in that in-between place. For all I know, I could be pregnant. I do not yet have a negative. I am relatively grooving on my pupo state and I am not willing to give it up. Argghhhh. More meditation, please.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Last night after acupuncture I was in a positively upbeat mood. I was beaming when the song on the radio was "I believe in miracles." Even the fact that I dropped the carton of eggs in the supermarket parking lot and broke every single one was something to laugh about...the tear spicket did not turn on, there were no bad omen interpretations, I just thought of it as "assisted hatching" and ate a lot of eggs for dinner and again for breakfast.

This morning on our way to transfer, I told Mr. Huevito that I felt like we were going to Disney World. I zoned out with my new nano, drank what I thought was a lot of water (although I was later chastised for not having a full bladder, but the RE said with my ovaries as huge as they were, I probably _thought_ I had a full bladder. Um...YES!). No problems, still happy, relaxed and about to go back to my lazy movie watching afternoon. Oh, and my Classics loving Sweetie (who has a bad case of cabin fever-I am looking forward to my own day off tomorrow) has named the little darlings Poseidon and Gaia. I just like that the p and g sound like preggers to me...

Monday, February 2, 2009

Cautiously optimistic

I have heard those words so many times: "cautiously optimistic," and I think it is how I am feeling. The fertilization number was 23. I have a friend who had 19, transfered one, but were not able to freeze ANY...but I am trying not to think about that. As we all know, it only takes one!!!! So my mantra is: "23 is good, 23 is good".  Hopefully we'll find that elusive Grade A.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Free G.onal-f

Does anyone know of a way to donate unused meds? I wrote to Resolve, but time is of the essence, so I'm putting it out there to my cyber-sistas.  Shelf life is 30 days once a med is opened, right? I started stimming on the 2oth and have a good amount of the stuff left...oh, and it seems to work, by the way. They hoovered 32 eggs out of me today. One more step. Each one is such a big deal, no? Oh, wait: I have one more question. They also found and removed an endometrioma (also known as a chocolate cyst). Now, I looove chocolate, but yecchhh-not on my ovaries. Chocolate covered eggs, anyone? Ahemm, seriously: Anyone have words of wisdom here? I looked this up, but mostly found info. about removing them before a cycle (too late for that). Thanks.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

HCG stands for...

Hormonal Curmudgeon Gal. I have been rather emotional for really no good reason. I cried two days ago when my nurse told me to stop taking stims. (Were they canceling the cycle? But stims are good...I NEED more follicles!) I cried this morning after falling on the ice and thinking I had just popped all my eggs (yes, I am an intelligent human being, but this stuff is very irrational). I cried again tonight driving home. Why? Just the confluence of emotions, both good and bad. Another pregnant friend on my list as of today.  Fergie singing "Big girls don't cry" just encouraged the flood. Oh, and don't even get me started on the mister's oh so funny "What are we doing at 9?" attempt at comedy when I texted what I thought was a very calm " Are you close?" text at 8:45. "Hello! You are shooting HCG into my a-s-s!"

Positives: 10 follicles on each side, no more shots, i.Pod synched with my chill out/get psyched list.

Time for some rest and positive thoughts.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

a little game

I have a little game for you to play. I'll describe something and you tell me what it is. Ready? Here goes: 

1. A sensation in your abdomen similar to being kicked by a mule. A very angry and strong mule.

2. Wiping down my phone with an alcohol pad after a VERY sick colleague handled it. (Not right in front of her..gheesh)

3. Crying when I drew blood after a Gonal-F shot because I was afraid the dose I had so carefully injected ended up oozing out of me in the aforementioned blood.

Scroll down for the answers.

1. Repronox!
2. Neurotic.
3. Really neurotic. I called my nurse friend on this one. Luckily I have her for all of my really stupid and embarrassing questions.

Thanks for playing! I have to keep laughing at myself, as do we all.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


Shoot me up! AF came, I had my baseline and I am ready to start stimmin'! Down to 5 units of lupron, 75 of Gonal-F and 1 vial of Repronox (this last one's new for me, but it sounds like so much fun: swelling and welts and pain, oh my!).

Trying to find my peaceful, happy place...you know: cautiously optimistic while realistic but not too Eeyore about it all.

Friday, January 16, 2009


I am starting to realize that I need more support than I thought. When I first reached out a tentative feeler to a woman also going through this process, I had to retract like a turtle  into her shell (excuse the mixed animal anatomy references) when it turned out she was a bad listener, talked about herself and made statements that would drive a saint crazy. My favorite? "Waaahhh, they'll only transfer one embryo because I'm so young." I don't think I would be a good support group participant. I'm sure they frown on members who mumble "quit your whining" not-so-under their breath.

Now I have two real live acquaintances with whom I have shared stories and tears. They have given me resources and hope in the form of their success. 

In other news, I got completely ticked off at the boy last night for having three martinis. Hello???? Drunk sperm in my petri dish? I don't think so. We talked, he apologized and he gets it.

Sunday is day 10 of lupron, but unless AF comes a knockin' tomorrow, I won't be able to go in for my baseline ultrasound and blood work.

In the mean time , I am excited about a long weekend and January 20. I have enough bush right here at home.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

0 to...11

My thoughts are consumed by dates and numbers, as I am sure all of yours are as well. Last Friday my progesterone level wasn't even at one, so I was told "Come back on Thursday. It has to be at least at 3 to start lupron." Ok. Fine. Like a good doobie, I went back today. My magic number? Eleven. Let's do some math. 11-3...seems like I could have gone in a lot sooner, started this cycle days ago, why are we wasting precious time, hello-I'm not getting any younger!!!!!

A little ranting always feels good. Lupron it is, then. I'm a bit worried since I have to take it in the morning...if I become a monster I can't hide in my lair. 

Monday, January 5, 2009


Argh. That's the only word to describe my frustration. My body doesn't seem to want to ovulate this month. When I took my day 21 progesterone test I was told to come back in a week. Yes, I usually ovulate around day 18, but I feel like my ovarian wheels are spinning. Constant surge, pangs, mucus...and the egg seems to stay stuck in the starting gate. It is now day 24. Not that I was all that excited about lupron, but I would like to get this party started. Of course, I am worried that the round of stim meds has turned my ovaries into lazy couch potatoes. Maybe if I cancel their cable prescription...

Thursday, January 1, 2009

song it

After seeing Cassandra's "I'm in my positive IVF energy" song list at http://babysmiling.wordpress.com, I decided to add a few: 
Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" and 
"Love Will Come to You" by the Indigo Girls.
Bummer-my links didn't seem to work...