Monday, April 27, 2009

split personality

At work I wear clothes that hide my bump. On the weekends, I show it off (or at least don’t really care about what I am wearing).

Sometimes I rub my growing belly and talk to baby. Other times I realize I am not bonding, not wanting to get too attached in case I get bad results from the amnio.

When some people ask “What’s new?” I stumble around to find something else worth discusing. When my mom asks about how I am feeling I have to smile and say ”fine,” since I am not telling her about the amnio (she had one and miscarried).

I am more concerned about miscarrying than about the results (duh-I just read that again. Who wouldn't be?) I am not doubting that I want to have it done. After all, right now my odds of a having a baby with abnormalities is higher than having a miscarriage.

Poppy sent me some great info. about how IVFers have higher rates of showing screening abnormalties, but then no real problems (ie-we have more false positives), so I keep holding on to what my gut is telling me-that this baby is fine. But until I know for sure, I don’t feel like telling anyone else...I’m not getting up on to any rooftops any time soon. That would probably be a bad idea for a pregnant woman anyway.

Best line of the weekend? MIL saying “This just came on so suddenly!” Yeah, right.


  1. Geez, there's just so much to worry about. Keep your chin up - you'll be showing off that bump at work in no time.

  2. So suddenly My Ass. Gosh. And yes, I am worried too-- worried about screening, amnio, miscarriage. I calmed myself today with a great stat that after a heartbeat is seen, the miscarriage rate drops to 10%. Which feels better. As for your bump, I say go somewhere you don't usually go-- a town or place away for the weekend and simply FLAUNT IT-- I am so ambivalent (read that big mixed feelings, not no feelings) about when and how and who to tell what to-- the place I work is so small (9 people) we are a little too much up in each other's stuff. So at some point here, say if I suddenly get breasts, I will probably need to say something.

    As for the idea of attachment, sweetie if you are anything like me, I totally get what you are saying-- but the attachment is already there. I am attached to a bundle of cells, to an outcome to a life I want to be leading. So if anything happens to that I cannot imagine what I'll do. By by not telling some folks yet, I am simply cutting down the number of people who would need to know if something goes wrong, and that repeated heartbreak of telling or hearing or knowing folks know. I vote for self protection when possible, but I also think a weekend of belly flaunting is a grand idea.

    Hang in there, sorry for babbling, Kate

  3. I always love reading Kate's comments, but it's damn hard to comment after her!

    So anyway...was wondering if you would mind sharing how many mg of Pyc.nogenol your DH was on daily? And we've cut out the alcohol, substantially, so now we're 2 of the most unpleasant people I know.