I remember the days when I thought I could get pregnant with some timing and good old-fashioned whoopie. I remember the days when I thought I would never be going for ultrasounds clutching the red folder of the IVF patients. I remember the days when I told myself I would not freak out and worry about every little step once I got pregnant. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong! Second beta was fine: 830. The cramps continue to screw with my head...I sometimes feel like they mistakenly trasnferred a baby tiger and it’s ripping my uterus apart. Oh, and then I make myself a ham sandwich and decide to “remind” myself which foods are off limits (it has been soooo long since I first looked at that in 2005) Yah, so...spit out the ham when I saw “listeria” pop up. Then there are the nightmares about getting my period, and finally today I had a morning of complete freakout when my poor tender girly parts started to bleed when the crinone didn’t go in so smoothly (think dry and irritated: perfect enironment for tearing something. In fact, a week ago, those lady parts were so red and angry, the outer labia started to bleed too). SO...I have spent the morning pulling down my underpants. I was pretty sure I had just hit an inner wall with the crinone torpedo...but WHAT IF???!!!!! Damn my imagination. Damn my racing heart, damn being on the verge of tears. It’s only been 3 days (less, even) and I am officially in the “can’t take a deep breath until the kid has graduated” category. Yes, the blood spicket has turned off. Now if only I can figure out where the brain spicket is located; I need to get out my adjustable wrench out for that one.
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oh god i remember feeling EXACTLY this way. we all talk about being on the IF rollercoaster - just close your eyes and hold on tight, you're going through the part with the crazy upside down loops. you'll be through it soon.
ReplyDeletehave you called your nurse about the crinone? they may have some suggestions to make it easier.
GradeA- can you use a little Vaseline (or olive oil) or other gentle but lasting emollient to ease the crinone insertion and after effects?
ReplyDeleteAs for your brain, oh my, what i would do for a dimmer switch. Hang in there- I hope Sarah's sweet words will bring you comfort from someone who's been there. I can only say I feel for you, can only imagine the crazy, and
please remember we are out here rooting for you and sending warm thoughts your way.
great 2nd beta!
ReplyDeleteAh, the rollercoaster doesn't end with the bfp. I truly wish it did. I hope you get some healing. I think crinone is better than endometrin,(I've been on both).