Things on my mind

Things I am angry about:

So, I remember after our first IVF cycle, the hardest bit for me was not knowing if this was ever going to work. After many cycles of the old fashioned way, or old fashioned plus drugs, this was the last stop on the track. While I didn't mind investing the time, the money, or the needles, I just hated knowing that none of that was a guarantee, that nobody could tell me " just do all this and you'll have a baby..." That still upsets me. So many people struggle to get pregnant and for all their suffering, the stork should have delivered 3 babies by now. Life just isn't fair, I know, but as far as western medicine has come, it doesn't seem far enough.

Things I understand better:

I always got annoyed by the moms who could go from blogging about their hopes, fears, worries and latest follicle count to "Look-I'm picking out my baby's sheets. Which ones do you like? Take a vote." Sorry if you are one of those moms, but hold on a second. Even as a kid, I could never really be honest in my diary, because I always felt the presence of the undefined reader. To me, these blog entries were heartless to the rest of the IVF community. Who cares about something so silly? While I still don't see myself as the "post a pic of my crib sheets" kind of gal, I see now that these are decisions that need to be made. Baby needs a lot of crap, and it doesn't just show up, fully assembled at your doorstep. Furthermore, you may think you are a no-nonsense "white is practical and just fine for sheets" person until you suddenly find yourself in Pottery B.arn Kids drooling over the stupid elephant sheets* (or whatever). I get it.

Things that annoy (and please) me:

I started going to a prenatal yoga class last week. It's so good to be doing yoga again. So why is this in my annoyed category? I started to look around the room and compare. I have watched my beloved collarbone disappear, my thin arms take on the shape of ham hocks and have started to feel my inner thighs rub together in a way I haven't felt since my pre-pubescent chubbiness in 6th grade. Yes, maybe if I had been exercising I would not feel like this, but what with the IVF, the bleeding and the amnio, my doctors had me on a strict anti-exercise regimen. I know, I know, these women of whom I am in awe probably have their own complaints about their changing bodies and in all fairness, being almost 6 feet tall does help me considerably. Also, let me make it clear that I am happy to deal with all of this and more if it means a healthy baby, it's just hard to escape almost 36 years of stupid societal crap and body image issues. The changes I do like? Watching my belly grow, watching the part above my belly button catch up with the part below, catching a glimpse of my profile in a store window, especially on a windy day. And feeling the baby move.

Things I thought I had under control:

I have started to have "something is wrong" dreams. Last week it was a long involved scenario where my regular doctor noticed red bumps on my breasts and had to consult with another doctor, only I got so hungry waiting that I had to sneak out of the hospital to find food (go ahead-laugh) and when I tried to sneak back up the fire escape, the access was blocked. Last night, I dreamt that I was bleeding again and woke with something that tasted an awful lot like fear and only went away with a glass of orange juice and a trip to the bathroom (opposite order, of course). I thought I was doing pretty well banishing fear to the far corners of my brain, but apparently that is also the waiting room for anxiety dreams.

Things I appreciate:

Other women sharing their own truths. It is so helpful to see I am not a freak of nature because of x, y or z (we're talking bodily functions, fears, and just real life stuff). So, on this day before my half way mark, I have shared this information with the "uber cyber welt" as a confession and also as a way of keeping myself honest and real. One last confession? I have gained 20 pounds. Ok, actually 21, but I am rounding down. I guess baby didn't get the memo that the pound a week weight gain happens during the -second- 20 weeks. And just to clarify? I am not a junk food person! I am super healthy...with the exception of ice cream and brownies. Ok. Done. No more confessions today.

*I put them back. That store is dangerous. Cute and expensive.