Friday, June 5, 2009

Things on my mind

Things I am angry about:

So, I remember after our first IVF cycle, the hardest bit for me was not knowing if this was ever going to work. After many cycles of the old fashioned way, or old fashioned plus drugs, this was the last stop on the track. While I didn't mind investing the time, the money, or the needles, I just hated knowing that none of that was a guarantee, that nobody could tell me " just do all this and you'll have a baby..." That still upsets me. So many people struggle to get pregnant and for all their suffering, the stork should have delivered 3 babies by now. Life just isn't fair, I know, but as far as western medicine has come, it doesn't seem far enough.

Things I understand better:

I always got annoyed by the moms who could go from blogging about their hopes, fears, worries and latest follicle count to "Look-I'm picking out my baby's sheets. Which ones do you like? Take a vote." Sorry if you are one of those moms, but hold on a second. Even as a kid, I could never really be honest in my diary, because I always felt the presence of the undefined reader. To me, these blog entries were heartless to the rest of the IVF community. Who cares about something so silly? While I still don't see myself as the "post a pic of my crib sheets" kind of gal, I see now that these are decisions that need to be made. Baby needs a lot of crap, and it doesn't just show up, fully assembled at your doorstep. Furthermore, you may think you are a no-nonsense "white is practical and just fine for sheets" person until you suddenly find yourself in Pottery B.arn Kids drooling over the stupid elephant sheets* (or whatever). I get it.

Things that annoy (and please) me:

I started going to a prenatal yoga class last week. It's so good to be doing yoga again. So why is this in my annoyed category? I started to look around the room and compare. I have watched my beloved collarbone disappear, my thin arms take on the shape of ham hocks and have started to feel my inner thighs rub together in a way I haven't felt since my pre-pubescent chubbiness in 6th grade. Yes, maybe if I had been exercising I would not feel like this, but what with the IVF, the bleeding and the amnio, my doctors had me on a strict anti-exercise regimen. I know, I know, these women of whom I am in awe probably have their own complaints about their changing bodies and in all fairness, being almost 6 feet tall does help me considerably. Also, let me make it clear that I am happy to deal with all of this and more if it means a healthy baby, it's just hard to escape almost 36 years of stupid societal crap and body image issues. The changes I do like? Watching my belly grow, watching the part above my belly button catch up with the part below, catching a glimpse of my profile in a store window, especially on a windy day. And feeling the baby move.

Things I thought I had under control:

I have started to have "something is wrong" dreams. Last week it was a long involved scenario where my regular doctor noticed red bumps on my breasts and had to consult with another doctor, only I got so hungry waiting that I had to sneak out of the hospital to find food (go ahead-laugh) and when I tried to sneak back up the fire escape, the access was blocked. Last night, I dreamt that I was bleeding again and woke with something that tasted an awful lot like fear and only went away with a glass of orange juice and a trip to the bathroom (opposite order, of course). I thought I was doing pretty well banishing fear to the far corners of my brain, but apparently that is also the waiting room for anxiety dreams.

Things I appreciate:

Other women sharing their own truths. It is so helpful to see I am not a freak of nature because of x, y or z (we're talking bodily functions, fears, and just real life stuff). So, on this day before my half way mark, I have shared this information with the "uber cyber welt" as a confession and also as a way of keeping myself honest and real. One last confession? I have gained 20 pounds. Ok, actually 21, but I am rounding down. I guess baby didn't get the memo that the pound a week weight gain happens during the -second- 20 weeks. And just to clarify? I am not a junk food person! I am super healthy...with the exception of ice cream and brownies. Ok. Done. No more confessions today.

*I put them back. That store is dangerous. Cute and expensive.


  1. I am totally guilty of being the follicle count to sheet buying blogger...and I'll admit it feels weird. But at the same time, as you said...I need sheets. I sure didn't expect to be that person. But strange things happen I guess.

  2. Sweet Magsy-- oh dang girl, this society has us by the proverbial balls either way-- we win? we lose. that sucks rocks- I think the whole pregnant after IF thing is a quagmire of everything good and bad-- great news! pregnant! but then there is the worry (love the waiting room analogy for your dreams) and then there is the other shit, the sheets, the 20 week mark (CONGRATULATIONS!) and there is the audience, the not quite well defined readers out here--
    you know what I am going to say, and god/goddess/all-that-is willing you can say it right back to me sometime soon-- the audience adjusts. Folks won't come here to cause themselves pain, at least not many, most folks will come here to celebrate your success, your wonderful lost collarbones, your rounding belly, your 20 week mark. And yes, your fantasy sheets. THIS STUFF REALLY MATTERS it is what makes this real. It is not just pregnancy that is happening, it is a baby, a person, a life time of something so very different than anything we've known before. This 9 months is a gift for not IFers, or at least many of them, they can prepare for the baby. you know, the real live take home one. for us, this 9 months is a very slow game of what if, and good lord what is that...

    I love the fact you share here, and the stuff that binds us all together is the hope, right> the hope it could just actually work.
    There is no fairness, no equity, nothing so kind. but there is JOY in this, amazing wondrous magical incredibleness.

    And you? you are allowed. You are allowed to talk about sheets and belly and body issues. you really are. IF does not take you off the hook for all the other parts of this. (Although wouldn't it be nice). Ok enough of a rant.

    I hear you, sweetie, I do.
    Happy 20 weeks and 20 pounds and happy happy yoga.
    and happy sheet shopping. this is real too.

    warmly, Kate

  3. I am still constantly befuddled by how perspective changes everything - and how each present moment is so very real, present, and its own.

  4. Hmm never occurred to me to be annoyed by the sheet bloggers. I always just felt sort of left out - that there were some bloggers who could so easily shed their infertilehood while I clung to mine. Just didn't relate I guess. But I DO know what you mean about the PB shopping. It took me forever to warm up to it last time through my terror, but this time since #2 will just inherit Piper's nursery I get to have lots of fun setting up her "big girl room." Anyway I think that we all just have to be honest about what this journey is for each of us and of course it's not the same. Thankfully!

    PS I'm crossing my fingers that the adorable elephant sheets go on sale in the next 20 weeks, could easily happen!

  5. we are only a few days apart, i think :)

    i totally get you. i am stressing out over whether to get one crib or two, but beyond that? it freaks me out a little. i can't think about what color the room will be or what we will register for...i'm concerned that these babies will even make it. i guess it's a personality thing.

    and i love that you commented on the top part of the belly button catching up. i've noticed that, but didn't know how to put it into words :)

  6. So I've read this post a couple of times the past few days. There is a lot in it. A lot of things I feel, and a lot I haven't felt (maybe yet) but likely would. So, yeah. I guess it's all about perspective and the people around us. Most of us agree that the people around us are ignorant (maybe not always by choice, but many by apathy) and so we have just us....the internet IF world. Crazy thing that it is. Sigh...
    So my DH has been following your DH's regime for the last 2 months. We had another SA on Friday and are awaiting results to see if there has been some improvement. Thanks for all the advice....