split personality

At work I wear clothes that hide my bump. On the weekends, I show it off (or at least don’t really care about what I am wearing).

Sometimes I rub my growing belly and talk to baby. Other times I realize I am not bonding, not wanting to get too attached in case I get bad results from the amnio.

When some people ask “What’s new?” I stumble around to find something else worth discusing. When my mom asks about how I am feeling I have to smile and say ”fine,” since I am not telling her about the amnio (she had one and miscarried).

I am more concerned about miscarrying than about the results (duh-I just read that again. Who wouldn't be?) I am not doubting that I want to have it done. After all, right now my odds of a having a baby with abnormalities is higher than having a miscarriage.

Poppy sent me some great info. about how IVFers have higher rates of showing screening abnormalties, but then no real problems (ie-we have more false positives), so I keep holding on to what my gut is telling me-that this baby is fine. But until I know for sure, I don’t feel like telling anyone else...I’m not getting up on to any rooftops any time soon. That would probably be a bad idea for a pregnant woman anyway.

Best line of the weekend? MIL saying “This just came on so suddenly!” Yeah, right.

I'm not fat...

My favorite joke as a kid was: "Ewe's not fat, ewe's just fluffy." (I really like sheep, and grew up with two as pets...) Well, I am officially no longer looking just fat, but...yup-you guessed it-pregnant. I'm talking not just from the side, but from the front-Venus of Willendorf style. Ok, my bbs are not THAT big, nor are my hips, but you get the idea. I had to go buy some skirts yesterday, since the elastic band on my unbuttoned pants approach is getting more and more uncomfortable, and there I was in the dressing room mirror...with a pregnant paunch.

A little over a week until the amnio. Oh, and did I tell you I found out the results can take up to two weeks??? Really? Really!!!! Apparently they can give you a snapshot (their word, not mine) of what's going on after 5 days...anyone have any experience with this? Does it give false negatives? Positive falses? (I just made that one up, but you know what I mean.)

Happy Spring, everyone. Wishing fragrant flowers and new life for all my sisters.

expunge mode

I am going to write this so that I will stop thinking about it, stop worrying about it and realize that this is what I asked for. I got the results from my first chromosomal screening today. I went from a 1/280 chance (based on my age) to a 1/50 chance after the blood test. Our options are CVS ( where they take a sample of the placenta) which I would need to do tomorrow and has a 1/100 chance of miscarriage; amniocentesis which I would need to wait another 2 weeks to do and has a 1/300 chance of miscarriage; or just do nothing basically (wait and maybe see something really wrong on an ultrasound in 3 weeks, but with no definite answer unless it were really obvious). Well, after crying for the thousandth time and after consulting with the Sweetie, we decided the CVS was too scary (especially given the miscarriage rate and the worry that my placenta has been doing all the bleeding). So, we are going to do the amnio...hoped it wouldn't come to this, but here we are.

This puts us in that odd position of not wanting to tell anyone yet-which I am fine with-but baby seems to want to make him/herself known to the world and is getting harder to hide. Any advice is welcome. I'll be in the kitchen eating some NY Super Fudge Chunk....breathing and spooning deeply.

All the leaves are green...

...and the blood is brown. Or even non-existent. It happened yesterday, it it was the best gift a woman completing her 13th week of pregnancy could receive. Lucky 13. To celebrate all things brown, I had a chocolate chip bagel for breakfast. Here's hoping for another 27 weeks in the clear.

Bloody woods

SO, while waiting for my doctor to call back (she never did), I started to really bleed. Right through my knickers. I bawled. I decided not to go to the ER, but did promise that I would take Thursday off and show up at the OB/GYN practice at dawn and demand some answers.

-I went to acupuncture.
-I bawled.
-I calmed down.
-I called the emergency line at the practice just to make sure they
agreed with my decision.
-I talked to some of my female gal pals who have been down this
road.

The next day, they let me right in and I had a lovely ob/gyn who calmed me down and had a really good explanation for how the placenta can dig in looking for a blood vessel and then detach, thus causing bleeding. She was very relaxed, which, in retrospect is exactly what I needed. I was indeed in a happy place. I should have been more suspicious when she said (without batting an eyelash or asking if I had done IVF) my ovaries were big but that's "normal with pregnancy." Everyone else says "Whoah...big ovaries."

That aftenoon, my actual OB/GYN called me and was a little more gloom and doom. Not in a negative mean way, but in a way that I needed to hear. Her message was:

-This is serious, you need to take it really easy and let the placenta heal if that’s what it is. (again-nobody knows......)
-No, you can’t do yoga (not that I have been, but I just asked...I miss it so much)
-If this goes on into the 16th week, you will be considered high risk and could have an early delivery.

I am now on the "hear the heartbeat once a week" schedule (this is for my peace of mind, not theirs), and if I am STILL bleeding this Tuesday, I will ask about bedrest. For now, I am back to a trickle.

So, almost out of my first trimester but not out of the woods. Any experience with this, anyone?

Not feeling it

This amazing wave of eloquence came over me last night and I had reached an understanding about why I am so upset right now and can't be happy. I promptly fell asleep and forgot all about it until I read Kate's latest post:Kate.

My problem is, I don't feel pregnant. Yes, I have nausea, yes, I eat every two hours. But it hasn't hit me. I haven't allowed myself to believe it. The few minutes when I actually think it could be true is when I see that little image on the u/s machine and when I check...yes, that wand is on MY belly, not someone else's. It's not smoke and mirrors....or is it?

Then I quickly go back to not believing. It's not logical, but hello? It has taken me and so many of you reading this SOOO F-KING long to get here, that I just expect it to be taken away in (literally) a heartbeat. When I see blood (at 6 weeks, at 11 weeks and now the last 5 days), I think: "See? It's all over." How am I supposed to not panic and worry and think that this is the end? 

I put a call in to my ob/gyn and she is going to call me back this afternoon. I can't even see through my tears right now, but hopefully the doctor will give me some answers. Thanks for reading.

It's a baby

There's a baby in me. Sounds silly, but it loses its reality until I see the ultrasound, then it is real again (briefly) and then I will start to wonder once more. Is it true? There really is a baby in there?

All was fine. Baby is measuring at 12 weeks 4 days (that's one day ahead!). The technician seemed to be really excited about the nasal bone. "Babies with Down Syndrome don't have one," she said. I'll have to look that one up-feeling dubious. To us, it just looked like baby had a really huge schnauze.

I have to say, it's all feeling a little anti-climatic. Why? Because I don't look pregnant (just fat), I am STILL bleeding and tired of  no answers for why. "Could be a myriad of things," they all say. That's not an acceptable answer to me. It still freaks me out every time. Does anyone have some advice on these feelings?

Ok. Let's find a better place. I am happy the baby is healthy. I am grateful to have three days left in this trimester. I am lucky to have health care. Thank you, universe.

Grateful

This is a post in progress (read: I made a link to the nyt, but can't seem to link to other blogs), but I wanted to have something besides my pity-party post from last night. 

I will be nominating shortly, but I first want to say how grateful I am for everyone's comments and support. Knowing I'm not alone gives me so much strength. First, thanks to K for nominating me. It meant a lot (I mean a lot) to me. Go give her a hug-she's in beta limbo-land. http://invitro-veritas.blogspot.com/ 

Threes

They say bad things happen in threes. Glad I got mine all out of the way in just a few short hours.

1. I had been enjoying my first nausea free week in a while until this morning. Didn't feel like doing much but lying on the sofa.

2. While lying on said sofa, my friend calls to tell me her daughter (whom I had just seen two days ago) has fifth disease. Consult Dr. G.oogle, mom, tissues and conclude that I will request that they add another blood test to my litany on Tuesday.

3. Getting ready to go out with Mr. Grade A's parents to tell them  the good news and I start bleeding. And hyperventilating. And crying. Again. 

I am doing better now, his parents were thrilled and understood why I "wasn't feeling well" and wasn't at dinner, and I am down to barely a trickle (on all bodily fluids), but I can't help but wonder when I will be allowed to enjoy this pregnancy rather than fear its imminent demise. Oh yeah-happy week 12.  Tomorrow is day one of lucky 13. One more week...

All is well

All is well, but I still have to tell my harrowing tale. I woke up to more spotting, but not as much. I waited to see how the morning progressed. At 11:00, it was still there, so I called the nurses' line at my OB/GYN practice to very calmly explain to the voice recorder what was happening. ( I really was calm. I was relatively OK at this point.) I expected them to call back and say "this happens, keep an eye on it, blah blah blah." SO, when they called back and said to come in for an internal exam and ultrasound....yup, I started to get scared. In fact, at one point I had to find the rational part of my brain in order to calm myself down, because between the buckets of rain and my equally diluvian tears, neither one of us was going to make it to the hospital in one piece. Why does my brain always go to the worst case scenario? In horrible detail? 

When she first put the wand on my belly, I experienced a few hour-long seconds where I just saw a fetus floating at the bottom of my uterus. Not moving. I think the doc pushed or prodded, and then I saw hands (yes, Virginia, they aren't just buds anymore) flail and feet kick! All is well in womb-land. We heard the heartbeat again, and I understood in that moment why women rent doppler devices-but I have decided this would be a bad idea for me, basically b/c I would, um...obsess! Cause for bleeding? A low placenta, but not quite placenta previa.

What I have learned: I didn't realize that when you got off the IF roller coaster that they strap you down to the tilt-a whirl...or maybe it's the music express. Nausea and dizziness and being scared? All can be yours for the cost of admission. 

sigh

Sigh. Just when I was starting to feel happy, less stressed and maybe even thinking that this pregnancy might work...I start to bleed. Ok-spot. But it was red. Not a lot. But really...any blood is too much for a woman who is pregnant and wants to be. It was enough to bring me down from my cloud, make me cry a little and do way too much consulting with Dr. Google. Luckily, it seems to have subsided. I can't even call my trusty nurse at the RE's office...sniff. I was not ready to cut that cord.

 I made myself feel better with a little help from Isabella Rossellini and her web series called "Green P.orno" on the sundancechannel. It's all about bugs and sea creatures and their copulation practices. Check it out.

Goodnight and good vibes to all the pregnant women out there with doubts and worries.

Do you hear what I hear?

Well, probably not, but I heard the lovely sound of a heartbeat coming from my very own belly! I met my ob/gyn for the first time and loved her...she said everything looked and felt great. Yippee.

So now we move on to...you guessed it: the next thing to worry about. Honestly, I wonder if this pattern will ever change: reach new milestone, freak out about the next one.  The series of genetic testing is my current demon.  Not knowing if the baby is ok is making me not want to tell people I am pregnant. I know babies and children and adults with down's syndrome are wonderful people, trust me. I volunteered at a camp for folks with all kinds of disabilities for 8 years. This is why I know how great they are and how unable I am to care for a downie (our affectionate name for people with down's syndrome). Call me a bad person, but I know my limits. Besides, this is a place for me to be honest, so there you have it. 

Ok-I can't do anything but wait on this one and gosh, I am getting good at that.