warning: downer post

Bb's feel less sore, the cramps I once hated are now gone...at least I knew something was happening down there when I had them. (There is no pleasing me, folks.) Feeling sad. Test on Monday. Weekend trip was cancelled for reasons beyond our control. Going to get in the car and see where we end up, my job for the day will be to keep the tears at bay. Happy F-ing V day. 

Update:

Just burst into tears to Mr. Huevito, telling him I don't feel pregnant. "Who knows she's 8 days pregnant?" was his response. Right, right. Ok. I will just try not to think about it. I was happy that his hug surprisingly hurt my chest...how messed up is that?

desperately seeking positive

I am desperately seeking positive thoughts right now. Let's look at the pros and cons of my current condition:

Pros: I had heartburn for the first time in my life last night. Symptom or just too much meatloaf? The sore bb's are nothing new. I always have those after ovulating. The cramps are freaking me out...I really can't associate them with anything good, although I know they aren't necessarily bad. I am pretty sure my other symptoms are just psychosomatic.

Cons: Last night I read that peppermint tea and flax seed oil are on the no-no list for pregnancy. Hello? How was I supposed to know this? Guess what I have been consuming EVERY day. Yup. I have already cut out cold food, all caffeine (except a little chocolate...a girl's gotta live), most sugar (see previous confession about chocolate), alcohol, dairy (acupuncturist), peas and tofu (Julia Indichova). Ok, deep breath. It's not like I've been consuming arsenic milkshakes...

So, I asked my Sweetie to fill our days with distractions (read, movies) and he said, "Are you getting worried?" Yes. I am just feeling negative to neutral with fewer and fewer "this could be it" moments. I'm not hopeless, but you know: a hundred times burned....In better news, I did get permission to go in for the beta test a day early. 

Symptom follies (pun intended)

I am officially diagnosing myself as symptom obsessed (meats) meets symptom dismissive. Hah-so funny that I accidentally wrote "meats" since my first symptom is that I seem to be eating for everyone in my entire state. 2: Mild cramping (which actually always freaks me out) and 3: peeing more than I am used to.  Then today I experienced something scary which of course I googled: heart p.alpitations. Turns out they can be a symptom. Oy vey. I'm going crazy, I tell you.  I realize (b/c it has happened sooooo many times before) that this could all turn out to mean nothing. So, in case I forgot to mention it, I am going crazy and you are invited to laugh out loud at me. I need to bring myself back to the relatively sane.

On a different note, I need some advice on this one: I have two friends coming to stay with me on my testing day. I am thinking of asking permission to go a day sooner in order to have more time to process the news and put on a happy face, albeit an ersatz one. My clinic is one of those cruel 18 days after retrieval joints, so it shouldn't make that much of a difference, right? 

One last thing: thank you so much for your comments. They really help me feel that I am not alone here. Good luck to all of you.

It's baaaaaack!

My neurosis is back. Have any of you while on the 2ww NOT wanted your blood test day to arrive? See? I told you–I am officially neurotic again. You deserve an explanation, gentle reader. Go back to high school for a moment. Did you ever think you had mono but didn't want to get tested and know for sure? I'm in that in-between place. For all I know, I could be pregnant. I do not yet have a negative. I am relatively grooving on my pupo state and I am not willing to give it up. Argghhhh. More meditation, please.

happy

Last night after acupuncture I was in a positively upbeat mood. I was beaming when the song on the radio was "I believe in miracles." Even the fact that I dropped the carton of eggs in the supermarket parking lot and broke every single one was something to laugh about...the tear spicket did not turn on, there were no bad omen interpretations, I just thought of it as "assisted hatching" and ate a lot of eggs for dinner and again for breakfast.

This morning on our way to transfer, I told Mr. Huevito that I felt like we were going to Disney World. I zoned out with my new nano, drank what I thought was a lot of water (although I was later chastised for not having a full bladder, but the RE said with my ovaries as huge as they were, I probably _thought_ I had a full bladder. Um...YES!). No problems, still happy, relaxed and about to go back to my lazy movie watching afternoon. Oh, and my Classics loving Sweetie (who has a bad case of cabin fever-I am looking forward to my own day off tomorrow) has named the little darlings Poseidon and Gaia. I just like that the p and g sound like preggers to me...

Cautiously optimistic

I have heard those words so many times: "cautiously optimistic," and I think it is how I am feeling. The fertilization number was 23. I have a friend who had 19, transfered one, but were not able to freeze ANY...but I am trying not to think about that. As we all know, it only takes one!!!! So my mantra is: "23 is good, 23 is good".  Hopefully we'll find that elusive Grade A.

Free G.onal-f

Does anyone know of a way to donate unused meds? I wrote to Resolve, but time is of the essence, so I'm putting it out there to my cyber-sistas.  Shelf life is 30 days once a med is opened, right? I started stimming on the 2oth and have a good amount of the stuff left...oh, and it seems to work, by the way. They hoovered 32 eggs out of me today. One more step. Each one is such a big deal, no? Oh, wait: I have one more question. They also found and removed an endometrioma (also known as a chocolate cyst). Now, I looove chocolate, but yecchhh-not on my ovaries. Chocolate covered eggs, anyone? Ahemm, seriously: Anyone have words of wisdom here? I looked this up, but mostly found info. about removing them before a cycle (too late for that). Thanks.