ER

No. Not the show. Spent 6 hours there last night after bleeding and cramping on one side started. Finally left at almost midnight and had to drive around looking for dinner. Thank goodness for college towns and their late night pizza joints. I digress. I have no energy to write about it, other than to say they did see the sac in the correct place (phew) along with ovaries that are still so huge they're touching and the bleeding eventually stopped. However, I am trying not to freak out about the beta number the nurse casually dropped: "22 hundred something". UM...2200? I was too out of it last night, but isn't that low for 27 (almost 28) days past egg retrieval? I didn't see it written, she just relayed this to me verbally. Maybe she left off a zero?  I called the ER and left a message with someone to see if they could give me that number again.  Any info. would be greatly appreciated. I'm going back to sleep.

UPDATE: She WAS missing a zero! Someone in the ER just called me back and my HCG # was 22,984. I'm doing the happy dance. Damn this roller coaster.

Secretary-ian Violence

First, thanks to Kate and Sarah for your helpful comments about the crinone. I have found that frequent time with a warm washcloth helps. 

After my second beta, the nurse I love and almost cherish told me that the secretary would call later that day to schedule our first u/s appt. Ugh. the secretary who never calls, has made me cry and is the reason for this post's title. So, call me crazy, but when I hadn't heard from her, I called her the next day and said, in my sweetest voice, "Um, hi. I need to schedule an u/s appt." Her response? "You can't just schedule an appt. when you want, that is decided by your doctor." See what I mean? Who responds that way? That's right: the evil secretary. Like it would ever occur to me to just call my doctor's office: "Hi, yes, I would like to schedule an appendectomy. I have just decided I don't want this pesky appendix any more." I took a deep breath and responded that I HAD spoken to the nurse, and she informed me that there was no order on record. I called nurse nice for help and waited. Waited until evil secretary called back at 4:50 on Friday to tell me when my appt. was, saying they were booked solid for next week and that they scheduled me for the FOLLOWING week at the most inconvenient time possible for me and DH. Nice. Inconvenience and extra wait time. Just what every IF girl loves (but at least is used to). 

hubris

I remember the days when I thought  I could get pregnant with some timing and good old-fashioned whoopie. I remember the days when I thought I would never be going for ultrasounds clutching the red folder of the IVF patients. I remember the days when I told myself I would not freak out and worry about every little step once I got pregnant. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong! Second beta was fine: 830.  The cramps continue to screw with my head...I sometimes feel like they mistakenly trasnferred a baby tiger and it’s ripping my uterus apart. Oh, and then I make myself a ham sandwich and decide to “remind” myself which foods are off limits (it has been soooo long since I first looked at that in 2005) Yah, so...spit  out the ham when I saw “listeria” pop up. Then there are the nightmares about getting my period, and finally today I had a morning of complete freakout when my poor tender girly parts started to bleed when the crinone didn’t go in so smoothly (think dry and irritated: perfect enironment for tearing something. In fact, a week ago, those lady parts were so red and angry, the outer labia started to bleed too). SO...I have spent the morning pulling down my underpants. I was pretty sure I had just hit an inner wall with the crinone torpedo...but WHAT IF???!!!!! Damn my imagination. Damn my racing heart, damn being on the verge of tears. It’s only been 3 days (less, even) and I am officially in the “can’t take a deep breath until the kid has graduated” category.  Yes, the blood spicket has turned off. Now if only I can figure out where the brain spicket is located; I need to get out my adjustable wrench out for that one.

to quote my niece, OMG

beta: 427

tears of joy

shock

thanks for all your good wishes

another day

So first of all, I don't know why I wrote in my last post that I am testing on Monday. It's Tuesday--I must be on drugs. Oh wait, that's right, I AM on drugs. Second, the cramps came back with a vengeance on Saturday night and intermittently yesterday. So we all know what that means...nothing. Either it's good news or the hormones are cramping (chuckle) AF's style. 

This weekend, we ended up doing some really fun (and positively distracting) day trips. So...err...I'm going to go look busy now.

warning: downer post

Bb's feel less sore, the cramps I once hated are now gone...at least I knew something was happening down there when I had them. (There is no pleasing me, folks.) Feeling sad. Test on Monday. Weekend trip was cancelled for reasons beyond our control. Going to get in the car and see where we end up, my job for the day will be to keep the tears at bay. Happy F-ing V day. 

Update:

Just burst into tears to Mr. Huevito, telling him I don't feel pregnant. "Who knows she's 8 days pregnant?" was his response. Right, right. Ok. I will just try not to think about it. I was happy that his hug surprisingly hurt my chest...how messed up is that?

desperately seeking positive

I am desperately seeking positive thoughts right now. Let's look at the pros and cons of my current condition:

Pros: I had heartburn for the first time in my life last night. Symptom or just too much meatloaf? The sore bb's are nothing new. I always have those after ovulating. The cramps are freaking me out...I really can't associate them with anything good, although I know they aren't necessarily bad. I am pretty sure my other symptoms are just psychosomatic.

Cons: Last night I read that peppermint tea and flax seed oil are on the no-no list for pregnancy. Hello? How was I supposed to know this? Guess what I have been consuming EVERY day. Yup. I have already cut out cold food, all caffeine (except a little chocolate...a girl's gotta live), most sugar (see previous confession about chocolate), alcohol, dairy (acupuncturist), peas and tofu (Julia Indichova). Ok, deep breath. It's not like I've been consuming arsenic milkshakes...

So, I asked my Sweetie to fill our days with distractions (read, movies) and he said, "Are you getting worried?" Yes. I am just feeling negative to neutral with fewer and fewer "this could be it" moments. I'm not hopeless, but you know: a hundred times burned....In better news, I did get permission to go in for the beta test a day early. 

Symptom follies (pun intended)

I am officially diagnosing myself as symptom obsessed (meats) meets symptom dismissive. Hah-so funny that I accidentally wrote "meats" since my first symptom is that I seem to be eating for everyone in my entire state. 2: Mild cramping (which actually always freaks me out) and 3: peeing more than I am used to.  Then today I experienced something scary which of course I googled: heart p.alpitations. Turns out they can be a symptom. Oy vey. I'm going crazy, I tell you.  I realize (b/c it has happened sooooo many times before) that this could all turn out to mean nothing. So, in case I forgot to mention it, I am going crazy and you are invited to laugh out loud at me. I need to bring myself back to the relatively sane.

On a different note, I need some advice on this one: I have two friends coming to stay with me on my testing day. I am thinking of asking permission to go a day sooner in order to have more time to process the news and put on a happy face, albeit an ersatz one. My clinic is one of those cruel 18 days after retrieval joints, so it shouldn't make that much of a difference, right? 

One last thing: thank you so much for your comments. They really help me feel that I am not alone here. Good luck to all of you.

It's baaaaaack!

My neurosis is back. Have any of you while on the 2ww NOT wanted your blood test day to arrive? See? I told you–I am officially neurotic again. You deserve an explanation, gentle reader. Go back to high school for a moment. Did you ever think you had mono but didn't want to get tested and know for sure? I'm in that in-between place. For all I know, I could be pregnant. I do not yet have a negative. I am relatively grooving on my pupo state and I am not willing to give it up. Argghhhh. More meditation, please.

happy

Last night after acupuncture I was in a positively upbeat mood. I was beaming when the song on the radio was "I believe in miracles." Even the fact that I dropped the carton of eggs in the supermarket parking lot and broke every single one was something to laugh about...the tear spicket did not turn on, there were no bad omen interpretations, I just thought of it as "assisted hatching" and ate a lot of eggs for dinner and again for breakfast.

This morning on our way to transfer, I told Mr. Huevito that I felt like we were going to Disney World. I zoned out with my new nano, drank what I thought was a lot of water (although I was later chastised for not having a full bladder, but the RE said with my ovaries as huge as they were, I probably _thought_ I had a full bladder. Um...YES!). No problems, still happy, relaxed and about to go back to my lazy movie watching afternoon. Oh, and my Classics loving Sweetie (who has a bad case of cabin fever-I am looking forward to my own day off tomorrow) has named the little darlings Poseidon and Gaia. I just like that the p and g sound like preggers to me...

Cautiously optimistic

I have heard those words so many times: "cautiously optimistic," and I think it is how I am feeling. The fertilization number was 23. I have a friend who had 19, transfered one, but were not able to freeze ANY...but I am trying not to think about that. As we all know, it only takes one!!!! So my mantra is: "23 is good, 23 is good".  Hopefully we'll find that elusive Grade A.